rubyjuly: (red motorcycle/house)
[personal profile] rubyjuly
Title: Lifeline
Author: [livejournal.com profile] rubyjuly
Fandom: House M.D.
Genre, rating & warning: Rated R for sexual reference and language. This is based on a video released by Fox for the upcoming episode and should be considered spoilery. House/Cuddy, ghost Amber.
Summary: She chose you, the you that she knows.
Word count: 500
Disclaimer: Anybody you recognize here does not belong to me.



Cuddy’s there because she always is, and while she’s talking you don’t have to focus on that yammering bitch who’s become the woofer and tweeter for your subconscious.

When Cuddy asks if you want to kiss her, there’s enough time in the second of silence between what she said and what you want to say for you to hear, “She wants it bad. She’ll do anything for us” come from the corner by the piano.

It’s a good thing there’s a six-foot-long piece of furniture between the bitch and you because at any moment you just might shove that piano straight through her and into the wall to get her to shut the fuck up.

The bitch knows this; you can feel her smirking. But you know something else, something that’s breaking what’s left of your heart: It’s not “us” Cuddy wants.

You see that as you look down into those wide blue eyes. She’s like porcelain over steel, so beautiful, tough, and practical. Somehow long ago, she chose you, the you she knows, not that seething collection of evil and depravity that’s kept you awake for so long that you’re thinking about swallowing every damned pill in the medicine cabinet just so you’ll get some kind of peace.

“You want peace, House? Tear off a piece of that. Get a nice post-coital nap in. I’ll be right here waiting,” the bitch says, and you drag up everything you have left to shut her out. La, la, la, not listening to you, you think, and for once she doesn’t have a smart-ass comeback.

Cuddy’s standing so close you can count every freckle across her nose and every black brushmark of her eyelashes against her pale skin. In the silence, you think you can almost hear her pulse, beating like a bird’s wing under the collar of her jacket.

She’s waiting, listening for you with every cell in her body. And you know now all this started when you stopped listening, with trying to deny everything that was human in yourself and good in everyone around you because it all hurt so much.

But maybe it’s not too late to stop this, to save yourself before you’re torn apart by the warfare insomnia, Vicodin, Ambien, caffeine and Scotch are waging in your brain. Maybe all it takes is telling her the truth, showing her what’s locked away in the back of your heart.

It’s like hauling junk up off the bottom of the sea bed, but you find the words and use that other voice, the one that contains all the kindness and love and happiness you’ve ever known, the one that almost never speaks, and you tell her “yes.”

She can’t save you, but she can do what she’s done so many times before and keep you from drowning long enough for you to save yourself. In this quiet space, you reach out for her, and you kiss her like she’s the last breath of life you’ll ever have.

~ Finis

Date: 2009-05-01 06:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moonchic1023.livejournal.com
Beautiful! Love how Amber takes away House's crude sarcasm leaving him only with his honest feelings.

Date: 2009-05-06 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you.

Date: 2009-05-01 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] topaz-eyes.livejournal.com
This is wonderful--House's resentment towards himself (as exemplified by Amber) and his need and love for Cuddy. Beautiful soul-searching.

Date: 2009-05-06 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you. It's long seemed that House doesn't really like himself but knows she can see something in him that he can't, so I'm glad that worked.

Date: 2009-05-01 06:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laura27md.livejournal.com
Oh wow - beautiful. Thanks!

Date: 2009-05-06 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
You're welcome, and thanks for reading.

Date: 2009-05-01 07:13 pm (UTC)
ext_7700: (cuddy)
From: [identity profile] swatkat24.livejournal.com
This is lovely. I love, in particular, the bitterness of House's tone when directed towards Amber - that is, his own subconscious.

Date: 2009-05-06 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves, and it sometimes seems that House possibly has more to dislike than most. That Amber could represent that for him just seemed to work.

Date: 2009-05-01 08:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aud-woman-in.livejournal.com
Beautiful - packs such a punch in your carefully-chosen words.

She can’t save you, but she can do what she’s done so many times before and keep you from drowning long enough for you to save yourself. In this quiet space, you reach out for her, and you kiss her like she’s the last breath of life you’ll ever have.

Possibly the best line about Huddy ever.

Date: 2009-05-06 01:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you, and thanks for the lovely comment. :)

Date: 2009-05-02 04:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisnreine.livejournal.com
GORGEOUS. I ♥ this promo for all the fic-ly goodness it is inspiring. *happy sigh*
Edited Date: 2009-05-02 04:11 am (UTC)

Date: 2009-05-06 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-05-02 08:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pottermanic.livejournal.com
This is absolutely beautiful.

Date: 2009-05-06 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-05-26 03:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
Oh, good heavens. This is so House, in all his mangled glory.

One of the things that really struck me, watching his interactions with Amber-the-Subconscious, was how unrelentingly cruel he could be to himself. You really captured that here, so well it's just wrenching to read.

I'm adding you to my f-list so I won't miss these things when you post more.

Date: 2009-05-27 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubyjuly.livejournal.com
Oh, thanks! In watching the show (and particularly leading up to the finale), I started to realize that House is harder on himself than on anyone around him, and he never cuts himself any slack. Maybe with all that's happened to him, he should have, but then the result wouldn't be quite so interesting or tragic.

Date: 2009-05-27 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
House is harder on himself than on anyone around him

Yes, I've observed that for a very, very long time now. Amber just brought it into such sharp relief.
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